honesty blog part one !

Kae, guys I'm writing via mobile web so bare with me ;)!

Okae, so I've never let anyone really know how I've really been feeling. Just trying to cover up everything, but they say the truth shall set you free, so I'm hoping that'll happen. I tell my close friends everything but I didn't touch on this subject much cause I couldn't talk about it without crying! I'm not the type to quickly let go, first I have to actually accept.reality and cry then cope, more crying and more coping, I even tried talking shit, but its nothing that I can say because he was flawless to me, so I never noticed bad qualities. I only noticed wierd little things like after he talks his teeth click together, or when he eats sometimes his eyes get lazy or he always chews on the right side, and when something is nasty he makes a sour face and smacks and sticks his tounge out lol, or when he drive he raps w. His hat like jeezy and his hands go wild, or the fact he's not a drive through type of guy lol! The little things always meant more to me! I guess I was so hurt, I made him out to be someone he's not! He's really an amazing person, sure he's cocky and rude and arrogant but he's a goal oriented guy that just wants the best out of life, but I can say one thing I disliked that he did was lying to me. Its like I've known you for damn near four years and dated you for damn near three and the fact you felt like you couldn't be honest with me was a kick in the face. I think everything wouldve ended on a smoother note. Honesty hurts, sure it does but lying to me and then I find out the truth hurts even more. I just don't think it was fair to me.its really funny how someones success brings pain! Never in my life did I think I'd be kissing another guy or calling someone else babe. Neither did I think you'd be deeply in love , making marriage plans or wanting to have kids with someone other than me. But things happen and people change, I guess its for the better but idk! I just never thought it would happen! I swear sometimes I wish I could change the hands of time and make everything new, but w. You and I ! I guess to say that I'm over you, wouldn't make this an honesty blog cause I'd be lying. I wish the feeling was mutual though. Just reading every letter you've ever wrote me or every card you've ever given makes it that much harder! I don't want to dwell on the past but remember when we made our youtube videos and you were like I'd drive through your ass lol, good times ! We'd always say that .. Okae, enough of remember when's! Honestly though, I'm happy he's happy ! I really am, I'm just sad that I have nothing to do with that! I guess its cause I still love him, ;/ I wish I didn't because I know for a fact the feeling isn't mutual! But I am sorry for everything I've said, I can't take it back but I can say I didn't mean it! I do wish you nothing but success and happiness in life, and I'm glad you're happy ...

To be continued ....

April 28th, 2010 !

seeeeeeeeee, GOD is GOD for a reason ;)

i had an interview today ;) if i get this job, everything will be perfect .
perfect career path, perfect guy, and perfect job ;) 3 things that are great!
LOL ! it's amazing when something happens and you think life can't go up! & then all of a sudden life makes a comeback and everything turns out perfect (:

*happy sighhhhhh* ;D !
if i could put my feeelings into a song it would beeeeeeeee :
robin thicke-shaking it for daddy ! lmao, just kidding, honestly it would be - john mayer- your body is a wonderland (:

i'm slowly falling, but my heart's not on my sleeve,
i hope i don't get to deep before my date to leave,
you're such a precious gift, you've helped me clear my mind;
you've showed me a new path, in such little time!
i hope you stick around, i'm not saying forever !
but i can tell you, i love our time more, when it's spent together!
i know my heart isn't back to whole, but what's there you can have it!
i just know that i love this, even if you become a bad habit ! haha POETRY POPPIN'.! lol,

just know, you're probably reading this jose and i like YOU A LOT! it's only been a month and some days since we've been talking so of course it's not love, BUT just know you have my undivided attention, and i should mention, that your body is a wonderland ;)! haha,

I remember January first,2010 ! 12:04 a.m. i was in church and all i remember our pastor saying was that this will be the year everything is returned to you in a different form ! & i believe that, i literally remember being completely happy around May ! that's a couple of days away from a year ago ! where did all of my happiness go? i don't know ! He literally broke me down to my knees, and kicked me to make sure i was down ! but i'm such a strong individual that it's going to take more than a kick to keep me down! i promise, GOD is on my side and he always will be so i never worry because i can do all things through him who strengthens me ;)! my happiness was completely GONE but i'm getting that happiness back through an amazing guy by the name of jose michael bojorquez and he's so amazing. i've never dated anyone like him so it's new for me. i have the army in my life now, it's so cool everything i'm learning. i've never knew this side of life cause i was always jst worrying about my ex and his antics. (sidenote: ladies, never put a BOY before your own needs, notice i said boy and not man)! this guy, he's so passionate and i love the fact he reads, he skates, and he's smart! NOT too many guys can fall under that and make it amazing, but he does ;)!

other things going on in my life : I FINALLY GRADUATE IN JUNE! my senior year has been the rockiest year of my highschool life,to almost dropping out to become a med.assistant to paying a grip of money for homeschooling, to being a freshmen all over again in texas, to crying my eyes out everyday jst worried about what im going to do, it happened but it's working out perfectly fine now! i'm with my class and im holding a 3.7 GPA! so yes life is great! the army in august, i think i want to leave before then, and i will if they let me! a walk for aids in MAY ;)! new friends in my life [mrs.azsha ortega smith]LOL! my birthday is so closeeee lol, mother's day is approaching ;)! summer is extra close! SOOOO MUCH! i plan on moving to honululu when i get in the military ;)! guys lifeeeee is so amazing ! im so thankful for everything that happened, GOD is so good i promise, he is! if you're struggling with something, seek him ! sure you're family and friends can give you advice BUT only god has the answer . trust me i know !

I've matured a lot since a certain situation, and i still have some more maturing to do, but i can say i'm grateful because my life is just beginning, i'm almost 18 and i want to be a responsible adult . i've learned a lot about myself, staying away from the drama and jst letting all of the positivity in ;) everything is starting to come together, and that's a blessing! I'm gaining friends ;) i rarely talk to kids at my school though because we're there for a reason and i don't need distractions. but when im out on the town, i conversate and people are so friendly, NOT completely letting everyone in though ! i just know that my direction of life, is a great path! i actually kinda feel like THE ROAD NOT TAKEN-edgar allen poe ! i've never taken this road, i've taken other roads more than once, but never this road and i'm feeling so great about this! my child will be so proud of me, i guarantee that!

p.s. i'll be blogging a lot now ;)!